Category Archives: This Shithole of an Industry

SLIM Fucking Slim Jim

So let’s recap. People in general, not just marketers, are:

  • Selfish
  • Lazy
  • Ignorant
  • Mean

And that’s a nice compact little acronym for us, S.L.I.M., and that gives me a nice convenient little name for the kind of guy who’s like this: Slim Jim.

There are a lot of Slim Jims out there. Sometimes they can be tough to spot. But basically, you can expect anyone to behave this way. If you want to know whether someone will do something, simply run down the list.

Is there any benefit in it for them? Because they’re Selfish, so if there’s nothing in it for them (or an alternative with more in it for them), they won’t do it.

Does it take work? Because they’re Lazy, so they’re not going to put a whole lot of work into it.

Do they need to learn anything? Because they’re Ignorant, so they don’t want to.

Is it nice to others? Because they’re Mean, so they don’t give a shit about that.

A lot of people will object that they’re not Slim Jims and shouldn’t be treated like that. Bullshit. Try it out. Nobody wants to admit they’re like this, but the fact is, they naturally and normally are. If you want to not be like this, there’s nothing in it for you, and you’ve got to work at it – so right off the bat, you probably won’t do it because you’re selfish and lazy.

But what makes us human is our ability to transcend our natural tendencies and do something that has real meaning. It is not the thieves and slackers and morons and bullies who define humanity; it is our Mahatma Gandhis, our Mother Teresas, our Albert Einsteins, our Vaclav Havels.

You don’t have to define humanity. You don’t have to become an icon of human achievement. All you have to do is set aside the selfishness, push through the laziness, conquer just a little of your ignorance, and try not to be mean. Even a little is worth a lot.

But bear in mind that you can’t control anyone else, and they probably don’t give a crap about it. All you can control is you. So either take a few steps and better yourself, or don’t, but no matter which choice you make – it’s just you. You’re not changing the rest of the world. They’re all still Slim Jims.

Stay tuned, because I’m about to tell you where you should be driving your efforts instead.

Gangster, Gangster

So what’s the other half of why people sell shit this way? We know they’re selfish and lazy. We know they’re ignorant. Why else do they do it?

Because people are mean.

There’s this stupid logical leap that people take which is all about what success means. The way you know you’re successful is that you take all the failures and put them in a box, and you’re not in the box.

Or, to put it another way, you know when you have won because everyone else has lost.

Look at every action movie. How does it end? One good guy in a room full of bad guys. Then he kills them all and gets the girl.

It’s not just a guy thing, either. There are plenty of dramas where the woman is surrounded by people who oppress and demean her, and over the course of the movie they all end up meeting some deserved fate – leaving our heroine free to do as she pleases, just like everyone should be.

That’s all well and good as far as it goes, but we’ve exaggerated the living shit out of it over the generations, so instead of Romeo and Juliet pursuing their forbidden love to a tragic end because their families don’t understand… well, today, Romeo would single-handedly tear through the Capulet family like Jet Li on meth using a combination of Krav Maga and the gun kata from that one Christian Bale movie. (Was it Equilibrium? I can’t remember. That seems right, and I’m on a roll so I’m not hitting IMDB to check.)

Then Juliet would walk in and just swoon over his triumphant manliness, in a fashion disturbingly similar to someone who’s been roofied, and Romeo would deliver some awesome line like “Thus scorned was your solemnity to-night, this villain through your blood is proved aright.”

Because it’s fucking Shakespeare, so it has to be in iambic pentameter. And, you know, basically incomprehensible to most people.

But the basic point is this: people are becoming incapable of recognising success by observing they are themselves successful. They have to see it through the failure of others. More frequently, through the suffering of others.

And the easiest way to be around some suffering is to just flat-out cause some.

Essentially, marketers are working diligently to let you down, over and over again. They promise you something, then sell you shit that doesn’t deliver.

Over, and over, and over again.

Don’t get me wrong, they don’t do this because their goal is to make you suffer or keep you down.

It’s just the only way they know they’re succeeding. They have to see others fail.

It’s pretty sick, really. But you also have to understand that this isn’t because they’re horrible nasty evil people: it’s because they’re damaged. They don’t understand anything that isn’t competitive, and they don’t understand that their success doesn’t require anyone else’s failure.

Dumbasses and Retards

So let’s move on to the next question, which is why people do this shit.

There are two parts to this answer, and the simple half is that they are fucking stupid.

A lot of that is because they’re young. And youth carries stupidity with it wherever it goes. Young people, by nature, do stupid things. Look around any high school, and everybody is doing something totally fucking stupid.

Do you know what I was doing in high school? Trying to combine hip-hop, punk, goth, and glam culture all at once. So I wore unlaced high-tops, parachute pants, spiked hair, a studded leather jacket, a Union Jack t-shirt, and a hybrid makeup style somewhere between corpsepaint and full-on drag – including false eyelashes and fucking body glitter. You could usually find me in the hallways between classes breakdancing to Def Leppard.

In my defense, I was also taking an awful lot of drugs.

But the issue there is that stupid shit like this never gets you anywhere. It has no lasting value. We’ve got all these people out there who are in a perpetual arms race that goes like this:

Okay, maybe not exactly like that. But you get the idea. Instead of “collect underpants,” it’s more like “locate popular subject.” Then where the question mark goes, you just send emails and try to sell shit with affiliate links. Over and over again. Until people lose interest.

Which may as well be a question mark, because they don’t really have a coherent plan. There’s no competent effort to do anything reasonable here. You’re just converting underpants into profit any way you can.

They’re basically strip mining the fucking niche. Let’s dig in here for money from CPA newbies. Now let’s dig deeper. And deeper. And deeper. Hey, no more CPA newbie money left here, let’s go find another site.

Now, do you know why we don’t really have strip mining operations in the civilised world anymore?

If you answered “because they destroy the environment AND all manner of valuable resources you simply did not happen to be looking for at the time,” you are correct sir!

(Or madam as the case may be.)

What is happening is that these people don’t know what their customer lists will buy, but instead of finding out – perhaps by testing the waters a little with different offers – they just shrug and bullshit their way ahead knowing what little they do already know.

“These people bought a product about X.”

So they recycle the same Goddamn thing over and over again. Here’s another product about the same thing. And another one. And another. None of them are all that different… just enough that customers continue getting just a little out of each one.

Eventually, they get comfortable buying products that are effectively the same, and stop even trying to put them into action. What they do is no longer “build a business,” but “collect products.” And the only way they keep doing it is if they are – and stay – stupid.

What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?

So let’s dig into this shit and get productive, shall we?

Here’s the whole problem with this industry.

Nobody is doing any research. Well, effectively nobody.

We are still pointing to Think And Grow Rich, Scientific Advertising, and other shit from the 1920s. In fact, pretty much everything we currently know about marketing and sales was already well-established and widely known before the 1929 stock market crash and ensuing Great Depression.

All we keep doing is giving it fancy new names and turning it into catchy acronyms.

And like I said before, this isn’t bad. The information we’re repeating over and over again is still good information. In fact, most of it is time-tested and well-worn stuff that we’ve proven works like a motherfucker over and over again for the past hundred years or more.

But what we are supposed to be doing is improving the state of the art. Not just circling around it over and over.

Right now, if you go to the Warrior Forum, you will find that there are a buttload of Kindle WSOs for sale at about $10. And if you buy two of them, they will contain damn near the same fucking information. They’re basically all the same product. I’ve bought over a dozen of them. And while each and every one of them is a perfectly good product with perfectly good information that is certainly worth buying at $10, not one of them even begins to reach the standard of the Kindle appendix in Tanner Larsson’s Amazon product that I bought in 2009.

Yes, I said appendix. A single chapter Tanner added to his product as an afterthought is better than things people are selling for $10 today.

What happened? I mean, are we this stupid? Have we gotten this stagnant and this uninterested?

Nope.

Just lazy.

See, the thing is, once you buy a Kindle product for $10… you’ll continue buying Kindle products for $10. Even if they all say the same thing. Because that last one you bought? It wasn’t good enough. You can tell because you didn’t publish anything on the Kindle.

So you buy another one, hoping this one will “work” – which you actually sort of mean literally. You want it to do the work for you. Or, at the very least, make that work so brain-dead easy that it doesn’t feel like work.

But this will never happen. So all the marketing cocksuckers put you onto this little “Kindle dumbass” list that they can mail Kindle offers over and over again until you unsubscribe. Because that’s easy.

They even sit around talking about how long they should wait after selling you a product before offering you a product just like it. They know what they’re doing. They’re extracting your money $10 at a time. Not helping you. Not building your business. They just want you to buy their shit.

So WTF Dude

So this past weekend, I posted this long and outrageous profanity-laden rant about how everyone in this industry is a cocksucker and fuck you people and I quit.

That’s pretty fucking childish, really, but I mostly just said what I meant and meant what I said.

Regret it? Nope. Said it? Yep. Listen to my big black boots as I step.

But let’s be clear: I’m not mad at any particular person. Even if you’re one of the many people who said “oh fuck yeah dude I’ll promote for you” and then didn’t, I don’t have a problem with you personally. You’ve got your own shit to deal with and you make the choices that are best for your business.

What I have the problem with is that basically everyone chose not to promote, and then… on top of that… did not even have the decency to be sorry about it. Not only did all these “friends” make a promise, not keep it, and give some retarded excuse about why they weren’t going to do what they promised – they acted as though I was somehow imposing on them by expecting this.

And the reasoning was pretty clear, as I picked up all those retarded excuses. None of them wanted to promote my offer, because they could make more money promoting a different offer.

That’s pretty fucked up right there.

See, lining up people to promote my product takes time, energy, and effort. And that’s an investment. It might not be an effort my partners can take to the bank, but it’s sure as hell an effort I myself can’t take to the bank, so if it’s not going to provide any results it’s a complete fucking waste of time.

So I quit. Not the industry, but the game. I’m not lining up partners anymore, and in fact may not even accept partners that come around asking to promote my shit. Because dammit, I make some good shit, and since everyone is telling me that no reasonable affiliate wants to promote anything that doesn’t have good EPC over the first thousand sales… well, clearly, if you want to promote before I make a thousand sales you’re probably a shitty affiliate anyway.

But I’m not trash-talking anyone’s products. I’m trash-talking an industry that is incestuous and selfish to the point of absurdity, resulting in the same information being rehashed over and over so people can keep hoovering money out of the pockets of morons. It’s not bad information; it’s good information. But there’s no real effort to make anything better.

It is the cultural paradigm that is at fault in this industry. And while this is certainly the result of human action, I do not believe it is the result of human intent. I believe these people are trapped, and find themselves hopelessly at the mercy of a system which is pathologically flawed.