Guarantees and Refunds

When you look at a product’s sales page and can’t even tell what the fuck it is, you frequently have a conversation like this.

Customer: “I don’t understand. What is it?”

Dick Vendor: “It’s a secret! I can’t tell you!”

Customer: “Then how do I know I want it?”

Dick Vendor: “There’s no risk! Buy it, and if you don’t want it, I’ll refund your money.”

And if you go “well, that’s reasonable enough,” and hand over whatever this product costs… only to find it’s something fucking retarded, like how to get approved for a Clickbank account in less than 24 hours when you already have a Clickbank account and don’t use it anyway… then you get to have this conversation.

Customer: “Yeah, I don’t need this. I’d like my refund please.”

Dick Vendor: “You’ve only had it a few minutes. You can’t possibly have tried it.”

Customer: “I don’t need to try it. If I had known what it was I would not have bought it.”

Dick Vendor: “That’s why your business is a failure and you don’t make any money. You don’t even try to use what you buy. You’re just looking for a magic bullet.”

Customer: “Look, I don’t want this product. You told me you would refund my money if I didn’t want it.”

Dick Vendor: “You’re a faggot.”

If you run in the same circles as product creators, it gets worse. That conversation about the refund will get repeated, except it will get told like this.

Dick Vendor: “So I have this customer, he actually doesn’t want to spend $7 until I promise him he can have a refund… which I do, but I should have known better, because he gets his hands on the product and immediately wants his refund. Like within five minutes. And the product’s got, like, four hours of video and a 60 page guide to affiliate marketing. So I ask if he tried it and he says he doesn’t have to because he can just get a refund anyway.”

Other Vendors: “FUCKING SERIAL REFUNDERS! THEY’RE ALL THIEVES! BLACKLIST HIM! HE’S A PIGFUCKER! HE WILL BE A DORK AND NOT MAKE ANY MONEY!”

And you kind of get a good idea of how the industry polarises, because there are all these people who act like that, and then you have people who are more like this.

Cool Vendor: “Fuck, dude, it’s $7. I don’t give a shit. If he’s telling the truth, then he deserves his money back. And if he’s not, fuck it, that’s not my problem. I said he could have a refund, so he gets a refund. If I didn’t give refunds I wouldn’t make a guarantee.”

Basically, if you only want to give refunds under certain conditions… you have to state the conditions.

If you say “no questions asked,” you can’t ask any questions.

It’s perfectly reasonable to say “I personally guarantee that if you do what I say but don’t get what I promised, I’ll refund 100% of your money.”

Granted, you can skate close to the line on that by saying to do completely retarded shit that doesn’t matter.

Dick Vendor: “I don’t see any video of your left nostril posted on YouTube, so NO REFUND FOR YOU!”

Or you can play stupid word games with your promises.

Dick Vendor: “I promised you could make as much as fifty kajillion dollars. That means anything less than fifty kajillion dollars is still technically what I promised, and nothing is less than fifty kajillion so NO REFUND FOR YOU!”

I mean, if you want to be a dick, then you’re going to be a dick. I’m mostly after you to do shit in a way that you can eventually stop being a dick – either because you grew the fuck up, or because you got big enough that the FTC might give a shit about your complaint volume.

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